The trouble with blogs is that anyone can read them. The trouble with blogs is that they tell stories, my stories, my personal life changing stories. The trouble with blogs are they make me an open page. And the trouble with me is that I like to keep everyone and everything at arms length.
I've had the hardest time bringing my self to type a new blog, or to even start thinking of a new blog for those reasons. But as I sit here thinking how to make this as personally impersonal as possible I hear God telling me to do the opposite. Tell a story that moved me that changed me, and who am I to disagree? So here it goes…
Lets back up a month to Malawi, our first country my first taste of brokenness, fear, and feeling completely alone. It all started when I said , "hey God I don't want to be broken. I want my heart to stay in one piece." He responded with, "I won't break your heart, I will shatter your very being down to the core. You need to be built on Me and Me ALONE." My one thought when He said this was, oh great :-/
So as the Almighty God is breaking everything in me and I'm seeing the world in a entire new way I am overcome with fear. Everything scares me, the driving, the food, the people, the dark, the future, the unseen. Literally if there was something that had a slight danger to it, I was terrified. It was to the point I dreaded even going to town. didn't want to leave the house, ever! I was blinded by fear and fear alone.
As I am shattered and terrified all I can think is, I want my daddy's encouragement, my moms hug, my sisters laughs, a bagel date with Beth, a walk to no where date with Rebecca, and cuddle session with my cat! Reality struck, and I've never felt more alone. I was surrounded by people yet felt invisible. I would wake many nights and cry, alone, in the dark, I questioned everything, reviewed everything in my life. And each night I felt the same way, forgotten and alone.
So I started sprinting towards God. He is all I have, He is all that I want. I took peace in the promise that He has each day planned. I took comfort that He has commanded His angels concerning me. And I took refuge in the shadow of the palm of His almighty hand.
It didn't happen over night, but slowly day by day God and I put together my spirit and built it completely on the rock of all He is. And suddenly I didn't feel shattered. I started putting on the armor of God every morning, and covering myself with truths. He is my protector, He holds my future and my life in the palm of His hand, so how can I have fear? As to be expected fear was gone, no where to be found. I found joy in The Lord and as this happened I grew closer to my sisters. Amazing women who I now refer to as family. They fought for me when I needed it most. Low and behold I no longer feel completely alone.
My world is forever rocked; my life is forever changed. I am a daughter of The Lord most high. And each day I strive to be a reflection of Him. I'm ready for what ever The Lord has for me. I am built on His truths, and with The Lord of this universe on my side there is not one thing I can't do.
Watch out world I got my sassy pants on and my Bible in hand.
